"You know as well as I do that the holidays are just misery for planet Earth," says Simmons from his Beverly Hills home. "Nobody wants to do this. I don't do holidays, never have. I get phone calls from aunts and uncles asking if we're getting together and I'm like, 'No, we are not.' And they say 'Why? Don't you want to see your aunts and uncles?' No, I don't. I mean, I love them and I hope they're happy and healthy, but I don't want to sit around the table hearing everybody bellyache - I ain't fucking doin' it. You guys go and be miserable, not me. Family dogs pissing on your leg, Grandma sticking her dusty tongue in your mouth one last time before she dies - just what I want to happen. Fuck 'em."

Still, owing to the vast array of KISS merchandise already in stores, nevermind all the lovely treats they have planned for release just in time for the holiday season, it would seem that Simmons and Co, if nothing else, still believe strongly in the gift of giving.

Here is just a small list of some of the KISS paraphernalia the boys are pushing this year: KISS dolls (action-figure size, original KISS-doll size and three-foot, moving/talking versions), the Kiss Toys and Games Collector's Bible Book, trading cards, refrigerator magnets, silver coins, collector's plaques, KISS Psycho Circus comic book and magazine, worldwide tour book, earplugs, beer cans and leather jackets ($500 US).

However, it may only be the truest of the true, the leather-bred, hardcore KISS commando who can fully appreciate the ocean of esoterica washing up in Wal-Marts and headshops across the continent: KISS billiard balls, jigsaw puzzles, chocolate bars, Jacquard-woven afghans, porcelain steins, place mats, dartboards, mouse pads, leather baseballs, condoms, makeup kits, latex masks, watches, silk boxer shorts and, 'tis the season, Christmas ornaments. Prices range from $1.50 for trading cards to $1,300 for a golf bag. Moreover, the upscale KISS fan need not feel slighted by the dimestore ambience of many of these items - KISS cigars, motorcycles, pinball machines, slot machines, video games and telephones are all in the developmental stage.

And how to pay for all this? Put it on your KISS Visa card, of course. But for those concerned with melding the fanciful with the practical, what could be more fun than the KISS family sedan? "We're going to manufacture it, design it and custom make it. There will be under 10,000 of them and we'll sell them for under $50,000," says Simmons. "It's going to make the Batmobile look like a kiddy car."