Robert Morast | Hampton Roads
Kiss isn’t the greatest rock band ever. And its albums don’t top the myriad lists of the best records of all time. • But when it comes to rock ’n’ roll merchandising, no act has put its mark on more things that have nothing to do with the music.
There have been an army of Kiss dolls and action figures, a showcase of Kiss shot glasses and more reproductions of the members’ iconic painted faces than anyone has ever needed – on items ranging from ski masks to M&Ms.
Part of this is due to the band’s legion of fans – the Kiss Army – who devour the swath of collectibles as if they were life essentials. But the driving force behind the merchandising has been the band itself, or, namely, bassist Gene Simmons, who has shamelessly shilled everything from condoms to caskets decorated with the band’s signature logo.
As Kiss is about to roll into Farm Bureau Live in Virginia Beach this weekend with Mötley Crüe, we look back at 10 of the most outrageous and curious Kiss items we’ve ever seen.
Chances are you’ll see one or more of these Saturday night.
Mr. Potato Head, the Kiss version
If you want to instantly destroy your cool reputation, put your face on a Mr. Potato Head toy. It doesn’t make things better if the faces are in Kiss makeup. It’s still lame. Not much better: Kiss sock monkeys.
Possible rationale for this product Making money is the only conclusion I can reach.
Announced in the early 2000s, this concept is at once genius and revolting. It’s the kind of quirky product everyone talks about, but the thought of Gene Simmons’ face on contraception is nonetheless disturbing. And don’t even get me started on the Paul Stanley “studded” condoms.
Possible rationale for this product Simmons claims to have slept with thousands of women (read his autobiography, “Kiss and Makeup”) and doesn’t have the STDs to prove it. He wants to ensure the world can say the same.
Kiss Kaskets
The only Kiss merchandise more bombastic than the condoms is this post-life cocoon decorated in Kiss logos, faces and, of course, flames. It’s a merchandising masterpiece that has to be respected, even if it’s freaky as funk. Also, if you’re into cremation, there’s now a Kiss urn.
Possible rationale for this product Kiss can’t buy your soul, so it wants to lay claim to your corpse.
Kiss prepaid phone cards
Somebody took the “Calling Dr. Love” song entirely too literally.
Possible rationale for this product Kiss has a huge following among immigrants looking to phone home on the cheap.
If you’ve ever dreamed of cuddling with Kiss while watching “Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park,” this blanket with sleeves, adorned with the faces from the first Kiss album, is a poor surrogate.
Possible rationale for this product Kiss’ original female fan base is transitioning to a life of couch-potato status.
OK, this is pretty darn cool. In 1977, the Kiss guys teamed with Marvel Comics for a comic depicting them as superheroes. For an extra cool/creep factor (take your pick) they mixed their blood into the comic book’s ink.
Possible rationale for this product As a child who immigrated to the U.S. from Israel, Simmons was really into comic books. This was a dream come true for him.
I understand that the allure of Kiss transcends genre stereotypes – not only long-haired people like Kiss music – but the idea that there’s a Venn diagram with an overlapping area of “Kiss fans” and “hardcore bicyclists” is ridiculous. To make matters worse, these shorts don’t appear to have Simmons’ tongue anywhere.
Possible rationale for this product Kiss wants to sponsor somebody in the Tour de France.
‘Kiss This’ wine
This kind of makes sense when you apply the logic that rock ’n’ roll fans like to drink. Then you realize the Kiss This line includes a nonalcoholic wine. Fail. Yet, I like to think that somewhere, recovering alcoholic Kiss fans are partying right now with this stuff.
Possible rationale for this product Simmons does not drink alcohol – quite true – and got tired of sipping punch during the after-parties.
Granted, there was a time as a child when Kiss scared me. Now, the idea that this band is tough enough to sell knives with the Kiss logo is pretty funny.
Possible rationale for this product The number of whittlers who listen to Kiss would surprise you.
Because sometimes you want to ride in a car that smells like sweaty leather and smeared makeup. OK, that’s not what these fresheners smell like, but a guy can dream, right?
Possible rationale for this product After decades in tour buses, the Kiss crew vowed never to ride in another vehicle that reeked of roadies.