David Von Bader | New Times

Kiss may very well be the most polarizing band in rock music. However, the hard rockin’ kings of glam showmanship have assembled a veritable army of makeup-caked fans, thanks to a 40-year career of loud rock ‘n’ roll delivered from stages littered with explosives, flames, comically large walls of amplifiers, innuendos shrouded by only the thinnest of veils, and a merchandizing machine rivaled only by the likes of Disney.

Though Kiss has weathered plenty of phases over the past four decades, including brushes with disco, the removal of the makeup, lineup changes, and reality television, the band has never been accused of doing anything subtle. This is inherently integral to the

Paul Kane

charm of Kiss. Some people simply want their rock ‘n’ roll in the form of a live-action cartoon.
Despite years of flirtation with despicable things, the band (now sporting only two original members in Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley) has reached what we consider a new low by having the audacity to tour with a pair of impostors donning the iconic makeup of original guitarist Ace Frehley and drummer Peter Criss. While very little can excuse such a blatant abuse of fan trust (and dollars), a compilation of 45 consecutive minutes of Paul Stanley’s stage banter might help a little. The audio recently went viral, and the inexplicable hilarity has certainly distracted us from the burn left by the additions of Tommy Thayer and Eric Singer.

There is a phenomena that occurs when one basks in the heat of pyrotechnics for too long, sweating beneath a stifling mask of heavy makeup. Cognitive function is stunted, the rock

‘n’ roll dream world that Kiss exists within coalesces with reality, and it becomes acceptable to say literally whatever the fuck comes into your mind, because, as the following shows, in the world of Kiss, fans are going to “lick it up” no matter what!

We know you’ve got a job, and you’re probably going to check this out in your cubicle, so we’ve taken the liberty of pointing out the 10 best parts (in chronological order) of this 45 minute cocaine nightmare, so you may enjoy all that is the unbridled Star Child without wasting too much time and losing your gig — because we care, man.

10. 00:32 “Illicit Substances”

Stanley wants to know if anyone in attendance likes to get high.

9. 04:04 “Wild Animals”

Mr. Stanley wants to hear the audience, more specifically, the “wild animals in the middle and up top.” He wants to “give them something special.”

8. 05:14 “Get Licked”

EVERYONE LICK EVERYONE!

7. 08:52 – 11:45 “The Voice”

A majestic display of vocal prowess and control, rounded out by a bit of audience participation and a smattering of repetitive words and guitar chords.

6. 17:57 “There is Nothing Better Than Hearing a Woman Squeal”

Paging the editors of Jezebel.

5. 24:00 “Animals: Reprise”

That’s right, Kiss fans, shit on the floor, eat your young, and copulate freely!

4. 28:42 “Swedish Lessons”

Euros love Paul Stanley, and Paul Stanley needs Rosetta Stone.

3. 30:12 “You. Are. Beautiful”

Paul Stanley wants the Swedish crowd to know how beautiful they are.

2. 39:35 “Paul MUST sing”

Stanley fuses his vocal displays with his banter and its power is overwhelming.

1. 43:22 “Rock ‘n’ Roll Pneumonia”

Paul is concerned about your lungs, and believes only “Doctor Love” can make it better.