The Onion

DETROIT ROCK CITY—The Kiss Army, long respected for its traditions of disobedience, insubordination and guitar-fueled mayhem, is the subject of a federal investigation following recent allegations of widespread propriety among its ranks.

The investigation, which implicates a number of high-level Kiss Army members, cites numerous reports of “highly inappropriate behavior among Kiss Army members, including marriage, steady employment and child-rearing,” said Sen. Paul Wellstone (D-MN), chair of the Kiss Armed Services Committee.

The Senate called for hearings after securing testimony from an unnamed Kiss Army insider stating that Kiss Army Commander Doug Haines—best known as the screaming concertgoer in the 1978 made-for-TV movie Kiss Meets The Phantom who wears a mesh shirt and holds up a “God of Thunder” sign—is now a 41-year-old, San Diego-area certified public accountant and father of three.

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