Issue #3: The Parody Article"

A few days ago I was reorganizing my files in my workroom (anything to keep from actually writing), and I ran across my collection of issues from my old fanzine, KISS FORUM.

KISS FORUM was a fanzine I did with a couple of individuals, Jan Carter and Mickie Newnam, back in 1988-1990. The idea was for the other two to do the printing and selling of the issues while I just wrote the occasional article for it. As time went on, Jan and I did most of the work, and I ended up writing a majority of the articles. It lasted for eight issues (and one special) before we finally packed up and moved on.

As I flipped through them, I came across our Winter 1989 issue (that came out in February 1990). In there was a parody issue of the fanzine we did that was supposed to be from the future year of 1995. Re-reading the parody issue of KISS FORUM again, I realized that it wasn't all that bad and I really regretted that more people never got a chance to see it.

So, in honor of April Fools Day (slightly belated), I would like to share with you one of the articles that appeared in KISS FORUM #5/6.

To set the stage for it, remember that it was 1989 when I wrote it and the article is supposed to be from an issue of the fanzine done in 1995. The article is about the final KISS album and it does feature Eric Carr as a main player in it.

When I interviewed Eric for BD, I gave him a copy of the issue. He thought it was funny (a reference to Polygram as "Polygrip" also made him laugh). He was a bit surprised by the Hayley Mills reference given, but it was well-known by some fans that Eric had a boyhood crush on Mills and he realized where the reference came from.

Anyway, hope you enjoy it! I'll be back next month with a more serious article. See you at the record bins.

* * *

RECORD REVIEW: KISS KWITS
(Polygrip Records, FU-2587) Released April 1, 1995.

It is hard to believe that the band is really gone. After all of those years of us fans figuring that this album or that one might be the last, here it finally is. And to think, some fanzines even went so far as starting office pools on when this would happen. Now, I'm sure, they feel differently about the situation.

As you know, the four members of KISS returned to the studio in early January of this year to start recording a new album. The band had just finished a successful world-tour for their most-recent album, MONSTERS IN LINGERIE, and most fans were hoping to see more of the same good material come out of the band this time around. In fact, supposedly, 125 new songs had been written for the album even before going into the studios. With such titles as "Lunch in my Pants," "My Heart Belongs to the Girl Next to the Guy with the Bad Sportscoat," and "Attack of the Albino Amazon Women of Ekki-Ekki Muk-Patang" one can see how well things were heading.

Unfortunately, the band was only in the studio for one day before the argument happened that ended the group. The band had just finished some complete demos for "AOTAAWOEEMP" (short for "Attack of the Albino Amazon Women of Ekki-Ekki Muk-Patang"), and were starting on their planned remake of the old PATTY DUKE SHOW theme song, when the argument occurred. The argument swelled until several members stormed out of the room and quit the band. This left Polygrip with one and a half songs for the new album.

Fortunately for us, the wise men at Polygrip Records have decided to release the album as is, including the argument that broke the band up for good. The album cover (which appears in our back cover ad this issue -- ed.) features the instruments of the band placed in the exact positions of where they were when the members left the studio. Certainly one of the more startling covers by the band in a time. The back cover is blank with the exception of the 1 * songs listed there, and a snapshot of Engineer Bob Sneez and pals in the mixing room.

The album contains the following: "AOTAAWOEEMP", The PATTY DUKE SHOW theme (half-only), and the following conversation:

Paul: (singing) You could lose your mind . . . aw, I hit a bad note! Stop the tape!
Gene: What are you doing? That was a good take!
Paul: I'm sorry. I just can't remember the lyrics to this song. Why can't we do something else besides this song?
Gene: What! Cut The PATTY DUKE SHOW theme? Are you crazy?
Paul: C'mon. It's only a lousy theme song, and --
Gene: (throwing down his "axe" guitar) Only a lousy . . . ? Why, you . .
Eric: (leaping over his drum-kit, crashing into the microphone stands, and finally placing himself between Gene and Paul) Hey, guys! Wait a minute. I'm sure we can work this out. Paul, why don't you want to do this song?
Paul: It's too dopey. The music isn't that great. And besides, I had my heart set on doing the old LAND OF THE LOST theme.
Gene: A-ha! Well, listen here! We either do this song, or I'm walking.
Bruce: I'm getting a Pepsi. Anybody want one? (silence) Okay. I'll be back in a minute. (Bruce walks out of the studio.)
Paul: If we end up doing the song, I'm walking!
Gene: Oh, yeah?
Paul: Yeah.
Gene: Oh, yeah?
Paul: Yeah.
Gene: Oh, yeah?
Paul: Ye--
Eric: Guys! Guys! C'mon. This is stupid. Why not compromise. How about a song from POLYANNA?
Gene & Paul: (groans)
Eric: And what is wrong with POLYANNA?
Paul: Eric, just because you have this thing about Hayley Mills . . . .
Eric: Hey! Don't you care say anything about Hayley Mills!
Gene: Ooohhhh, didn't she win an Oscar for THE PARENT TRAP? (Gene & Paul laugh.)
Eric: Alright! That's it! I'm walking! (Eric walks out of the studio, slamming the door behind him. Silence.)
Paul: Well, I hope you're happy, Gene. All because of this stupid PATTY DUKE song.
Gene: Okay. That does it! I'm walking! (walks to door)
Paul: Not before I do! (throws down his guitar and walks to door)
(General bickering as they collide at door and scramble out the door, slamming it behind them. Silence.)
Bruce: (re-entering the room with the Pepsi in his hand) Okay, guys, I'm back. Hey! Where did they go?
Engineer Bob Sneez: (on the intercom) They all had an argument and quit the band.
Bruce: . . . what? That means I'm the only one who didn't quit the band. I'm left out . . . . (silence).. Oh, yeah? Well, um, well, I'm not going to put up with that! Um . . . I quit! Um . . . yeah . . . . (Bruce picks up his guitar and throws it down, walking out of the room)
Engineer Bob: (to others in the studio) Okay, guys, that's a wrap. Remember, we got a full day tomorrow working on the new Paul Williams album.

Amazing. As an album, this one is certainly different from the group. Of course, "AOTAAWOEEMP" has been released as a single; and, who knows? Maybe someday you will hear The PATTY DUKE SHOW theme on the radio as well. But all in all, it is a rather sad day in KISS fandom.

I did win the office pool, though.

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