Issue #4: "Wendy and Options"

A few weeks ago saw the announcement of Wendy O. Williams committing suicide. It was rather odd for me to hear, especially as I had spent the two weeks before the news hit thinking about Wendy and how I actually missed the days of the Plasmatics. I was even contemplating the idea of trying to reach Wendy in order to do an interview with her for BD3 (it would have been interesting to get her take on the two tours she did opening for KISS, along with her thoughts on Gene as a producer).

Wendy represented something in rock music that doesn't come along very often, and normally fails: a strong, independent woman. Most of the female performers today tend to base their work as performers by singing songs about guys and love and pseudo-rants that have no bearing on real life (I'm still trying to figure out what "One hand in my pocket and one hand give the peace sign" has to do with anything besides sounding pompous and annoying). They also don't seem to have any concept of what rock music is, instead falling into a variation of pop music that they get someone to play a couple of power-chords over and pass it off as being rock or alternative.

I'm sick of that image. It's okay once in a while, but I have no desire to see any of the Alanis/Loeb/Crows out there that are faking their way through their music. I especially have a problem with them trying to pass themselves off as being feminists or independent when all they are is posturing. Heck, even the Spice Girls have a more genuine attitude then these wannabes. Instead, everything is slicked down and advertised in order to push record sales. After all, wasn't Alanis just a girl who sang disco, then pop, before she discovered the gravy train of female angst?

Wendy was never like that. She just wanted to put on a show and put screaming music into your ears. Now that I can understand. Sometimes the best way to deliver a message is the most basic way -- in your face. Wendy did that and she also was willing to take her character of Wendy and push it to the limit. She really was the equivalent of Alice Cooper for the female rock performers, and it seemed just a bit more shocking to have a woman do that type of thing on stage rather than a guy. Face it. If any other number of male rock performers had taken a chain saw and cut a guitar in half, or blow up a television set, or even firebombed a car, we probably would not have batted an eye, or would have even laughed at him. Here was a woman doing it, and it actually scared people.

And talk about angst! No male or female about it, man, she was angry! I mean, you could feel the tension coming off of her from the stage or the television screen. You knew she could probably take down anyone with just a couple of punches. I remember when she announced back in 1983 that she wanted to wrestle Cyndi Lauper in a real ring to teach her what real wrestling was all about. I love that, even though I was and still am a fan of Lauper's work. Such theatrics was great.

She exposed herself, she screamed her songs, she destroyed the sets and punched out the obnoxious jerks of the world. And if I ever have a daughter I would rather have her seeing ten thousand hours of Wendy on video than even five seconds of a commercially-produced hack job like Madonna. At least Wendy was real.

Still, hearing about the suicide was surprising. I had always pictured Wendy as being stronger than that, more life-consumed. From information talked about on the Internet and in the news, she took her life because she felt that there was never going to be the interest in her career that she once had. Her performing career had not been doing well in the past few years (the last time I saw any mention of her was back in 1986 when she was playing Magenta in a stage production of THE ROCKY HORROR SHOW somewhere), and there certainly was not much coming her way musically. Yet, I, and I'm sure a lot of her fans, pictured her as someone that was happy with what she was able to accomplish in her career and had moved on to other things. Certainly her work with animals was something to be proud of, why not look upon such things as something to be happy with?

I certainly do not wish to come across as being negative of Wendy as a person. She had style and she was strong. Yet, I do have something against suicide. Because what it becomes is not a matter of "controlling your life," as Wendy felt she did by accepting such an option; but that of giving up your control.

Let's face it, life is a series of dead-end, rocky moments and false starts. Yet, the one thing that keeps us going is faith and hope. In allowing ourselves to remain open to faith and hope, we find the rewards, however fleeting they may be, of love, accomplishment and victory. We achieve, not because we just happen to have the material or the money to do things, but because we believe we can do them. Heck, you can't even send a message on the computer unless you believe that you can do it. You can't even converse on the computer unless you believe that what you have to say is worth being said to someone else.

I know it's not easy sometimes. I'm going to bore you with something here because I think I need to tell you something about myself to show you that I know where the thinking is coming from.

As many of you know, I have a hearing-problem (it's gradually getting worse and I have only 20% hearing in one ear and none in the other). As this problem occurred with I was very young, I also had a speech impediment due to the hearing loss. Although speech therapy helped, it was still noticeable (and still is for that matter). Due to the two problems, I faced a lot of prejudice at school as I was growing up.

I mean vicious stuff. Getting beaten up, made fun of to my face and in other ways, ridiculed by teachers in class, and my property destroyed -- all for no other reason than because I was different. Yet, I tried to not let it get to me. Tried to show how tough I was by not cracking under the strain.

Then, one day when I was sixteen, I just couldn't take it anymore. I really felt the pressure getting to me, and didn't want to spend another day at school or anywhere. So, I wondered what it would be like to just end it all.

So, I was at that cliff and I know what it's like. I looked into that dark, easy waters of death and you know what happened? I suddenly found myself laughing. You know why? Because I realized that it was exactly what the evil and the darkness wanted of me. They wanted me to give up. They wanted to push me over that end, into despair and grief so badly that I could not find the hope and faith in myself to go on.

Thinking about it more, I realized that my death would have done nothing for the people who loved me. As for the people who hated me, what would they care? Besides having to find someone else to harass? It wouldn't have bothered them at all.

As the laughter hit me, the flood of hope returned to me. When I realized that the people couldn't hurt me anymore in my head, I realized that I could laugh at them. I could laugh at what feeble-minded mentality was at work in them trying to destroy others and I could laugh at the darkness.

When I could laugh at the darkness, it crawled back away.

As time went by, I gained confidence and convinced myself to go after the things that I wanted in life without having to be afraid of what failure might come. After all, who's going to really be looking over your shoulders every minute and count your mistakes besides yourself? Nobody. I found success with my writing, friends and a wife that I never would have gained in those years. I have had adventures that I will treasure for this lifetime and I don't regret a minute of anything now.

So, I look at Wendy's suicide and I just cannot fathom why she went in this direction. There was still so much she could have done. So much she still had left to say. Now that's gone. Her voice is gone. Her attitude is gone, and it is obvious that her attitude was long gone before she took that final step off of the cliff. I'll miss her, but I won't be able to feel happy about the way she let the darkness win her over.

To keep this KISS-related, one thing that I had always found appealing about KISS, in their music and their attitude on and off stage, is that they have always been a positive life-force for fans. Believe in yourself. Don't let others tell you what you can or cannot do. You have the power to do anything you want to.

It's about hope. It's about faith in oneself. Believe in it.

When you see that, and can feel that, the darkness can never take you.

And you'll laugh.

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