KISS My Aspirin
By: Andy

What's that, you say? KISS my aspirin? Why the lame take on the cover album? It's simple. KISS is giving me a headache. I'm talking about a bunch vodkas with beer chasers, stayed up all night, worshipped at the porcelin alter, just ran out of cigarettes and I'm late for work kind of headache. The worst kind of headache you can think of.

Look, I've been a KISS fan for as long as I can remember. The first time I saw or heard them was on the Paul Lynde Halloween show in '76. I had just turned 7. Like a lot of KISS fans, I was hooked. And I was hooked early. A lot of the people I know that are into KISS are like me, they got into it long before they heard the call off the opposite sex. Before they had an itch to drive a car. A lot of young guys and girls like myself were drafted early into this army. And we all know, there was no turning back. I stuck with these boys, too. When I first got into them, it was Tonka trucks, Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, Star Wars movies/toys, and KISS. Lots and lots of KISS.

Man, they did the comic books and I bought them. They had the dolls, I recieved them for Christmas. At the local recreation center I was the KISS pinball machine master. Lots of us were. It came with the territory. The music was great. I loved it. I could picture what it meant for her to be walking by moonlight, but I didn't know why she'd be taking off her clothes! I was just another rugrat with a KISS belt buckle, t-shirt, and keychain. I even had those damn pajamas. Wore those things out like nobody's business. Wouldn't let Mom get rid of them, though. They were just elastic and a prayer by the time she snuck them into the trash while I was outside pretending to be Ace Frehley or whatever I was doing. I, like so many others, lived and breathed that stuff. I never did see them in concert though, not back then. Not 'til the Creatures tour at Cobo. And by then, things had changed.

When I was 7, it was cool to like KISS. Hey, it was cool even after the movie, the toys, the solo albums, the disco song, the pop album with the cartoon on the cover, Peter leaving, Eric arriving....... none of it mattered. By the time Unmasked was on the shelves, I was getting ready to turn 11. It was still cool. I remember watching Kids Are People Too with all my rugrat running buddies. We were about as geeked as a bunch of 11 year olds can be. We were more excited about that than we were about Empire Strikes Back, which came out around the same time. We were all still very hooked.

But the next year, all that changed. They cut their hair, cut their balls, and came out with Music From The Elder. That did it for a lot of my friends. I remember a friend coming over when they were on Solid Gold, and hearing about how uncool I was. I was 12 by then. And suddenly it wasn't cool to be a KISS fan. They weren't even covered by cool kid magazines like Hit Parader anymore. Only girl magazines like 16. But I stayed with them. Hey, I even LIKED the Elder.

People like AC/DC came along, took the fans away, and yeah, they were cool too. But KISS were still the whip in my book. I had a couple of other friends that stayed with them as well. It was almost better that way. Like it was our own secret treasure, to share with no one else. It didn't matter of course. No one else wanted it. But we remained with KISS, my friends and I. At times we were ridiculed for wearing KISS t-shirts or whatever, but we stood fast.

Then came 1982 and Creatures Of The Night. We were floored. Sure, AC/DC could rock. But this album kicked like nothing else. I was 13 when it came out, and I look at that album as key to my childhood days ending and my awkward teenage days arriving. But none of our other friends, and certainly not the masses at school, were going to have it though.

Ace left. My favorite member of the band. But even that didn't break me. Not with this great new album. Somehow, my best friend's mom, who was the coolest, was conned into taking us to Cobo to see the show. We were so geeked up. The band was great. The tank, the blood, the dry ice, the fire.

Then came the MTV unmasking. I was 14 now, and I think it was really late on a Sunday night or something. But we watched. And it was so wild to see their faces. The video got played a bit. Motley Crue, Ratt, Quiet Riot and other hair metal bands started getting big. KISS rode that wave back to respectiblity. And we rode it with them. Suddenly it was okay to like KISS again. "Heaven's On Fire", "Tears Are Falling", and the Exposed video made it down right fashionable. And we remained with them.

Then came the late 80's hair metal. Many will disagree, but acts like Cinderella, Poison, Warrant, etc were not the ballsier cousins of the Motley's and the Ratt's of the earlier 80's. But their time had come, for better of for worse. For KISS, it was worse. It is arguable, surely, but it seemed as if they were following this trend. And not following it very well.

Crazy Nights was released. It fit right in with all of the other stuff coming out, the Headbanger's Ball fare of the late 80's. And therein lies the problem. None of that stuff had much soul. Lots of hit singles, pretty videos, prettier groupies, and tons of $$$, but not a lot of heart and soul. It was heavy on the roll, light on the rock. Not my cup of tea, but very hip in the day. And, I stayed.

I tried to ignore "Reason To Live" and "Turn On The Night". I tried to pay more attention to Bruce's Van Halen immitation on "No, No, No" and Gene's "Hell Or High Water". You take the jabs thrown at you and you grab onto whatever you can. So, I stayed.

Then came Smashes, Thrashes, And Hits and the cheesey "Beth" remake. It didn't seem very classy, and it didn't seem right. Nor did the two new songs. But I stayed anyway. This was Gene and Paul, you know. The hooks in me were still in deep. But after Crazy Nights and Smashes, the road seemed rough.

But then came Hot In The Shade. Trouble Walkin' came at the same time. For me, Ace's stuff blew away KISS' stuff. I stayed with both. The HITS tour was the best I'd seen at that point, and I'd seen them every time they came to Detroit from Creatures on. Eric and Bruce killed. Gene didn't look like a girl anymore. And Paul was Paul, right on the mark. The joint rocked.

Then Eric died. It was a huge drag. That doesn't even cover it. Huge tragedy. And I stood by them then for sure. Then came Revenge. Not the great comeback everyone said, but like HITS before it, decent enough. And anything's better than "Reason To Live" after all. The show was good, too. I got to be there for the Alive III taping at the Palace outside of Detroit. When Alive III came out, it wasn't live at all. Doctored up, big time. A big disappointment for me. But I stayed anyway.

The Army was in decline. Albums were going gold instead of platinum. But I stayed. Lots of videos started coming out, snippets of the old days. Already had the bootlegs, but I bought them. And I stayed. Then the Convention. Hugely overpriced, but a blast had by all. Got to shake Gene's hand, get an autograph from Gene and Paul. Had never met them before. It was worth the overpriced backstage pass style necklace after all.

KISStory, another overpriced, but high quality piece of memoriablia. Lots more merchandise. I didn't buy any, but I stayed. Then Unplugged. Bruce and Eric were gone, Ace and Peter were back. I was geeked. You bet I stayed.

The You Wanted The Best, You Got The Best album. Fake live songs from "the vault". A time filling interview. I read somewhere, "If you bought this album, you didn't get the best. You got exploited." I couldn't say it better myself. It made me take notice that all wasn't well. But Tiger Stadium, and later two shows at the Palace, made me forget. I stayed.

More merchandise. Expensive stuff. Huge markups. But, hey, I wasn't buying any of it. So I stayed. Psycho Circus. Ace and Peter not playing? Didn't seem right. But, there's no denying the tunes. So, I stayed. But my faith was shaken. All these dollars going in and one non-band album coming out? Didn't seem right. But I stayed. The 3D show, kind of cheesey, with a ton of repetition in the song selection. Basically the same show I saw last year with 3D and three new songs thrown in.

Then the movie. Sure, I was one of the 10 people that saw it. It wasn't terrible, but nothing special either. The first 10 to 15 minutes were great. But it was all downhill from that opening scene. Then the soundtrack song: "Nothing Can Keep Me From..." vomitting. What a drag. They didn't even put the "new" version of "Detroit Rock City" on the soundtrack. I stayed, but my last nerve was getting worked on.

Then the final straw. I saw it coming, I'd heard about it, read about it on KissAsylum.com. Pro Wrestling? Gene said something like, "R.E.M. could never do something like this" or whatever. Whether you like R.E.M. or not, you've got to know with all of your heart (overblown and full of themselves or not), why on Earth would R.E.M. want to?! Why? Why would anyone?

If you're a wrestling fan, I'm sorry. But this was way, way, way too much. Money can be made in other ways. If it's a case of thinking you're near the end because the albums aren't selling and you can't sell the tickets like you did on the last tour, fine. Write some damn songs, put out an album, or anything. I'd rather hear a whole album's worth of "Nothing Can Keep Me From You" than see them on WCW or WWF or whatever. Sure, their whole "Warriors of KISS" thing has already been canned, probably due to lagging public interest, but that doesn't excuse the act.

I am not staying. I've got a headache. I need an aspirin. If not Bayer, Excedrin, or whatever... then a new album. A real album. It really is over for me though. It would take a lot for me to give mean Gene one more dollar. A new doctored live album won't do it. A really great boxed set might. Maybe. Look, sure I'll always be a fan to a certain extent. I can't help it. The hooks were put in deep, and they were put in early. But I refuse to give any more of MY money that should go toward MY retirement to GENE for GENE'S retirement. I can deal with the bad wigs, bad movies, forgettable bands being produced on the side, and merchandise that bears the band's name. But Wrestling? Somebody give me an aspirin...

I've got a terrible headache.

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