It's Make Up or Break Up - Do We Still Have the Time for KISS?
By: Richard Hund

The cover of RNRO nearly glowed as I slowly turned it repeatedly, looking at each character's face and trying to figure out which of these superheroes were singing which song. With no film clips or books to guide me, I could only swirl in the mystery of the faces. "Calling Dr. Love?" Definitely the monster guy. I knew because during the song he yells, "Hah!" which was where he breathed fire (my older brother told me he did that). The high background voice in the chorus? Had to be that space guy, floating above the band, above the jungle trees the cat guy was hiding in.

My first love affair, you could say, and all love affairs carry that initial period of magic and mystique. And then the innocence, over years, wears away. KISS acts like that girlfriend/boyfriend who makes you feel really special, who says they'd do anything for you, who nearly blinds you (with their love and their devotion). But when you look objectively at the person, you sometimes see how what they do for you doesn't match what you actually need, or originally received, from them.

Are you blinded by your relationship with KISS? Is it time to "reevaluate the relationship" and correct the weak spots? Most die-hard KISS fans like me are: 1) actually damn stupid, or 2) assumed to be stupid but actually remain thoughtful of what KISS lays out for them. Take this test to find out which one you are!

1. When KISS puts out a line of toy cars with a unique trading card, and a list on the back of the package lists the other 49 cards you don't have, do you feel you need to collect all 50 cards?
"YES" means you're a DAMN STUPID KISS FAN.
"NO" means you might buy just a set of four cars, or you might even pass this one up (since you can't remember even feeling the need to buy a Hot Wheels in years).

2. KISS releases a reunion album (The Four Who Are One Yet Again, As Long As The Celestial and King of Beasts Don't Mind Getting Only a Few Minutes in the Spotlight), and then shrouds the CD in secrecy as to who played what on it. [Peter: "Huh? Oh, I'm pretty sure I played on some of it but who knows?" Gene: "I can state unequivocally that each of us played at least something at some point on this CD. By the way, call 1-800-905-KISS." Ace: "Hey Curly, of course that was my solo on, uh, that one song Gene told me to sing."]. Do you still think the band lives up to its expectations?
"YES" means you're a DAMN STUPID KISS FAN.
"NO" means you realize KISS in the 90s is a rehashed blend of former KISSes -- the 70s members, but with Peter and Ace taking the place of Bruce and Eric in the 90s. The CD should have liner notes with the true breakdown: "Gene Simmons, President and Treasurer; Paul Stanley; Vice President; Peter Criss, Secretary; Ace Frehley, Honorary Member."

3. KISS releases PC without "In Your Face," even though Ace's fans are dying to hear more than "Into the Void." KISS holds it for the import single. Do you think KISS still puts its fans first?
"YES" means you're a DAMN STUPID KISS FAN.
"NO" means you realize that KISS knows what it's doing. PC has 10 songs at 40 some minutes. They easily could have thrown in another 5 songs, including more Ace and Peter. But then what would the fans' incentive be to buy expensive imports? (By the way, when HITS came out Paul was asked why there were so many songs. He said that the technology lets you put that many on a CD, so why not? All the songs stood on their own, and they wanted the fans to hear all the songs they had at that time.)

4. When the new comic book comes out, and 9 months later you see that it's being repackaged into a newsstand magazine (with an "exclusive interview" by G or P, with the same boring answers to the same boring questions), do you pride yourself on wanting to buy something you just bought?
"YES" means you're a DAMN STUPID KISS FAN.
"NO" means you thumb through the magazine at the store for 5 minutes and then put it back. Don't you wish you had the brains to be in marketing for KISS and thinking up creative ways to repackage this stuff? Here are some potential repackaging ideas:
#1: Take the comic book section out of KISSTORY, turn it into a $7.50 newstand comic with an exclusive interview with Shannon Tweed!
#2: Rerelease The Originals on CD (using the previously released remastered CDs of the first 3 albums), including a few new collector items: a cellophane reproduction of a guitar pick, one square of KISS toilet paper, and a 3 X 5 index card with a message from the band to its fans: "If you used your exclusive KISS VISA card to purchase The Originals, part of your purchase goes to the band's favorite cause: itself!")
#3: In 2003, rerelease the PC newsstand magazines with "newly restored digital coloring," with an exclusive interview with Gene's and Shannon's former housekeeper!

5. When KISS puts out a greatest hits CD ("Greatest KISS") with a new version of an old song or the inclusion of an obscure song, do you feel you just have to have it even though you own it?
"YES" means you're a DAMN STUPID KISS FAN.
"NO" means you'd like to hear the song but figure that $15 you'd spend would be better spent on a bootleg. (At least bootlegs have something you can't get anywhere else.)

6. When rumors circulate that KISS will play 80s tunes in concert in 2000, do you get excited picturing Ace singing "Feel my heat"?
"YES" means you're a DAMN STUPID KISS FAN.
"NO" means you realize swapping out some tired '70s songs for some tired '80s songs (yes, the same ones they played for 13 years straight) won't satisfy the craving for ANYTHING new at a KISS concert. I'll give Gene some credit here, that KISS is kind of stuck playing the hits - you simply can't play "Mr. Make Believe" or "Odyssey" or "Boomerang" (God forbid) just because 250 diehard fans in a 14,000 seat arena want to hear something obscure. This isn't the kind of group that can, or knows how to, mix things up, even at the KISS conventions. They could compromise a little though. "Comin' Home," "Kissin Time," "Save Your Love," or even a metalized "Tomorrow" are just a few songs that would satisfy any audience. Hey, "Under the Rose" would be cool at a convention, not at an arena.

7. KISS releases so many toys and promotional material. Do you buy as much as you can, not open up the items, and hope to God this junk will one day be worth something the way unopened packages of original KISS dolls are now worth?
"YES" means you're a DAMN STUPID KISS FAN (and Gene's pride and joy).
"NO" means you realize: 1) there are too many collectors now, and 2) fans in the '90s don't have the emotional attachment to the new stuff. An original KISS doll takes an older fan back to childhood in some way. The 14th version of a new KISS figure in the 90s is, and will be, just shelf space.

8. When Gene flys in concert, do you pretend not to see those barge ropes carrying him to the top?
"YES" means you're a DAMN STUPID KISS FAN.
"NO" means you know Gene can't really fly, but think Ace really IS making his guitar float in midair.

9. When you go to Spencers, do you pick up those wine goblets while picturing a romantic evening with KISS wine? Do you picture your lover in front of the fireplace, clinking glasses as you whisper, "Your eyes are as radiant as Paul's would have been on the Dynasty tour if they hadn't scrapped the laser effect?"
"YES" means you're a DAMN STUPID KISS FAN and just plain weird.
"NO" means you question why Gene prattles on and on about alcohol being abusive and for weak people, but then goes ahead with alcohol-promoting products. Nothing wrong with either viewpoint by itself, but Gene talks out of both sides of his mouth while reaping the profits.

10. When that box set is eventually released, and you realize that the unreleased songs and demos are the things you've already downloaded and heard a few times, will you still put that $100+ item on your KISS Visa card?
"YES" means you're a DAMN STUPID KISS FAN, and absolutely have to have a crystal-sounding version of the 7-minute remix of "Dirty Livin'."
"NO" means you've already burned these songs onto a set of CDs and taped some trading cards on the front, thereby creating -- ta-da -- your own box set!

Where does yours truly, the snooty author, fall in this survey? Probably more DAMN STUPID than you'd think! I want to believe in the magic so much. And some KISS things still give me that jolt. KISSTORY was wonderful. Psycho Circus, while flawed, contained some of the glitz I expected. The comic book is good, especially on a cool autumn night. Downloading rare songs is still kind of cool. And I check into KISSASYLUM every day. But I've finally suppressed the virus all of us long-term fans have: that feeling of having to keep up with the Joneses. I know I don't have to buy every item, or even every CD. I now measure every KISS purchase with the question: will this be important to me an hour after I buy it?

Is KISS horrible for doing this to the fans? Of course not. This is '90s MARKETING. They are trying to make money, after all. But KISS fans take ownership of their band like no other fans. So when we feel like we're treated like children (children with tons of expendable cash), we feel insulted. But I imagine Gene would tell us to feel insulted all we want, just buy the stuff!

I'll be accused of being a turncoat, or of not being a real fan. But I'll be sad when the band hangs it up in a short time. What will I do when I hear that news? I won't get out my KISS shotglasses. I won't get out my two dozen different versions of the PC single. I won't huddle under my KISS throw rug, drinking KISS wine.....

I'll go back to my vinyl, put on RNRO, listen to the pops and hisses just before Paul whispers "I Want You," and smile. Because THAT is what will always take me back to the KISS I admired, when I was too young to care about whether or not I was being ripped off.

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